Lies and Lies
by Rei Kuraudo
Summary: This fanfic is set somewhere in Sunset. When that loverat creep of a Crowfeather asked Leafpool to run away with him. Leafpool doesn't seem too keen on the idea though...and Crowfeather confesses a terrible secret... OneShot Parody.


_**Disclaimer: **Warriors, all the ideas, characters and everything belongs to Erin Hunter. Fruits Basket and it's Zodiac Curse and stuff belongs to Natsuki Takaya._

_You probably won't get most of the fanfic if you haven't read Fruits Basket. Have a quick skim of this article if you've never heard of Furuba in your life, it will give you the basics: .org/wiki/Kyo_Sohma#Character%20outline _

_This fic is not meant to be taken seriously. It's just the result of my hatred for Crowfeather and everything that he does.._

**This fanfic is set somewhere in Sunset. When that loverat creep of a Crowfeather asked Leafpool to run away with him. Leafpool doesn't seem too keen on the idea though...and Crowfeather confesses a terrible secret…**

"No! I refuse to leave my Clan! I'm a medicine cat! It's my Clan! They need me!" Leafpool said for the twelfth time in half an hour.  
>"And?" Crowfeather whinged "I'm your boyfriend!"<br>"I'm not leaving my Dad, Mom, Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, Great-Grandparents, Cousins, Second-Cousins, Third-Cousins, mentor and lil' sis just to live it rough WITH YOU! CAPICHE?" she paused for breath "And another thing -"  
>"You know, Leafpool." Crowfeather interrupted softly "It's hard for me too..."<br>She stared at him disbelievingly. "Oh, sure - "  
>"I'm...I'm not supposed to tell anyone this," he stammered "But us WindClan cats - we - we're..."<br>He broke off, trembling softly, avoiding her gaze.  
>"Yes?" Leafpool was interested despite herself. She hoped this so called secret was so bad that ThunderClan could use it against WindClan and their traitorous leader Onestar.<br>"Well…" Crowfeather felt uneasy, he thought he had caught a glimpse of vengeful ambition in Leafpool's eyes.  
>"Go on," she urged impatiently.<br>"Well…" Crowfeather gulped "You see - TWELVE OF US ARE POSSESSED BY VENGEFUL SPIRITS OF THE CHINESE ZODIAC!"  
>There was a pause.<br>"Chinese...Zodiac?" Leafpool asked tentatively.  
>"Yeah...you know, horoscopes and all that. It's like what you medicine cats do."<br>Her eyes narrowed slightly.  
>"Actually," she said coldly "We medicine cats interpret signs from <em>StarClan<em>, and they are watching over us all. Amen."  
>There was a holy pause.<br>"A-anyway." Crowfeather went on, when the moment had passed "When I'm hugged by a she-cat, I turn into my zodiac animal."  
>"Which is...?"<br>His voice cracked "I'm possessed by the _Cat-Who-Couldn't-Come-To-the-Banquet_."  
>"Oh. You mean Brackenfur."<br>"No!" Crowfeather stared at her "What the hell?"  
>"Well, we play this really awesome game in ThunderClan, where Firestar sends Brackenfur on these tasks that don't really exist, and then he gets lost or caught in the traps Brambleclaw sets up beforehand, and then we have loads of fun while he's gone!" She paused for breath "He always manages to come back though...and then cries when he realises we'd had a party without him! That's the best bit!"<br>"Right..." Crowfeather watched her uneasily, seeing ThunderClan in a whole new light he wasn't sure he liked "But this is a vengeful ancient spirit I'm talking about, not a real cat! Especially not that ThunderClan wuss."  
>"Oh, right." Leafpool said "So, you're possessed by this...spirit thing."<br>"That's right."  
>"And? So what?"<br>"_So what?_ Leafpool...all my life," his meow shook and tears began to run down his face "All my life I've been shunned by WindClan! All my life. And all because I'm possessed by the cat!"  
>Leafpool couldn't help feeling sorry for him, but she remained suspicious.<br>"So when you're hugged by a she-cat," she said slowly "You turn into a cat?"  
>"Yes!" he wailed "Yes! Now you understand why I've never hugged you!"<br>There was a silence.  
>"I was so afraid," he opened his eyes wide, they were round and blue "I was afraid you would reject me because of what I am! Because I turn into a cat!"<br>More silence.  
>"You <em>are<em> a cat." Leafpool said coldly  
>"I-I know." he said nervously "That's because I've hugged a she-cat."<br>"Who?" her voice was even colder "Are you cheating on me?"  
>"N-no I mean..."<br>"Look!" she hissed "I know you're lying! Might as well admit it!"  
>"I - I..." he looked very hurt "Leafpool, you don't believe me?"<br>Her tone was frostily sarcastic. "Oh, of course I do. We cats _hug_ all the time."  
>Crowfeather gulped nervously.<br>"Well - I mean't - sort of - _headbutting_ a she-cat."  
>Leafpool smiled a horrible smile. "Oh, yes. Like you and me earlier. I noticed no change."<br>"That's because I already am a cat." he cried "Don't you understand? That's not the point!"  
>"OH HOLY BATCRUD and &amp;%*5+!&amp;$%£ing $£#*%! CROWFEATHER!"  
>Crowfeather gaped at Leafpool's use of language, he hadn't thought Medicine Cats knew such words. Apparently, neither did Leafpool, she looked both shocked and quite proud with herself. He decided it was best to ignore her.<br>"But that's not the worst..." he continued shakily "The biggest problem is..."  
>Her eyes flashed angrily. "I don't want to know!"<br>"The biggest problem is..."  
>"NOT LISTENING! BLAH BLAH BLAH!"<br>He looked at her reproachfully. "_Feathertail_ would have wanted to know."  
>She opened her mouth, closed it again, opened it, closed it and then opened it again.<br>"I'm listening." she said in a small voice.  
>"Well," he went on "The worst is when I change into the cat's true form. A vile-smelling giant rabbit-alien-grasshopper with spades for front paws."<br>Leafpool looked horrified. "How hideous!" she gasped.  
>"Don't worry," he assured her "That only happens when my Juzu beads fall off."<br>She looked disgusted "Your _what_?"  
>"Bracelet I wear around my left paw. Made out of old ThunderClan leader bones."<br>"Oh, that's okay then." she paused "Where is this bracelet?"  
>"Er..."<br>Her voice was scared "Where is it, Crowy?"  
>"Egad!" he shrieked "It fell off! Run, Leafpool! Run while you still can!"<br>She didn't need telling twice.  
>It was only after she had disappeared into the forest that Crowfeather realised that he had just defeated the whole point of his invent-a-really-sad-story-to-make-Leafpool-feel- sorry-for-me-and-agree-to-elope-with-me plan.<br>"Damn!" he swore.

The end


End file.
